Folks:
I have, here in my hot little hand, the handle from a Millers Falls
Alford-type hand vise.  At the moment, its highest and best future use
might be as a sort of maraca, because I can hear the rattle of tiny parts
and bits inside when I shake it.

And, sadly for you, that reminds me of a story.  I have a good friend who
worked for some years as a gigging guitarist in New York.  He lucked into
one of those bread-and-butter jobs that working musicians badly need,
working as an orchestra contractor for a caterer who ran a number of large
banquet halls in the Bronx.  Now, as some of you may know, every -- by
which I mean EVERY -- musician in a large city who has a union card works
on New Year's Eve. In fact, there's usually a shortage in the metro New
York area.  And so it was that my friend found himself working a New Year's
Eve party with himself as the guitarist, a keyboard guy, a bass player, and
a "percussionist" who was horribly late.  When the guy finally did show up,
he had with him....a pair of maracas.  And that was it.  A pair of maracas.

The band struggled through the evening, as you might imagine, with the
gentle, sometimes amplified shake-shake-shake of the maracas accompanying
popular party hits.  Finally, at 1 AM, a rather well-lubricated member of
the audience staggered up to the stage and said, "Can you guys play
'Stairway to Heaven'?".  My pal snapped. "Look at us," he said, through
clenched teeth.  " LOOK AT US.  LOOK. AT. US.  DO WE *LOOK* LIKE WE CAN
PLAY STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN ??!!??".

Anyway, I'd like to expand the use of the Alford vise handle beyond its
potential as half of a pair of maracas by unscrewing the cap and rescuing
whatever's inside, but the damn thing is stuck.  A judicious application of
paraffin based bicycle chain lube loosened it some, but it's still stuck;
guessing the whole thing is both swollen and dry.   Anybody got any good
ideas for what to do?  I did try clamping it in a soft-jawed vise and using
one of those strap-type jar openers, but no dice.

Advice, and renditions of Stairway to Heaven on non-traditional instrument,
are welcome.

All the best,
T.

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Thomas R. Bruce
tom.bruce.trb@g...
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